Luke 17:3 Ministries Inc
Monday, September 01, 2014
For Adult Daughters of Controlling or Abusive Birth-Families
CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED, A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
CHILDREN OF THE SELF-ABSORBED
A Grownup’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents
By Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., L.P.C.
New Harbinger Publications
This book describes Destructive Narcissistic Parents (DNPs), describes how being raised by them affected you, and gives very unique techniques for diffusing their ability to hurt you. It subscribes to the theory that confrontation will not work because a narcissist will never change and does not believe he is doing anything wrong, but rather thinks that everyone else exists for his use and benefit; therefore other techniques for dealing with him are suggested, including avoidance, humor, or body language designed to subconsciously confuse the narcissist.
Does your parent have attention needs, admiration needs, the need to be considered unique and special, lack of empathy, feel other are extensions of herself, grandiosity, shallow emotions, a sense of entitlement, emotionally abusive traits, or exploit others? These characteristics identify a DNP, and specific examples of each trait are given.
As an adult, you can have two possible responses to being raised by a DNP. You may have a Siege Response- some traits of which include becoming defiant when given orders or demands, rebelling against restrictions or rules, being wary or fearful of intimacy, feeling anxious or panicky when others want to be nurtured, guilty feelings, personalizing others’ behavior, being easily offended, etc. You may also exhibit the Compliant Response, including needing to be liked or approved of, feeling responsible for others’ well-being, feeling that others are taking advantage of you, sacrificing personal needs for others, being overemotional, being overly critical of yourself and others, etc.
We are taught coping strategies which include developing emotional insulation, avoiding trying to empathize, giving up unrealistic fantasies, and meeting our emotional needs instead of putting them second to everyone else’s.
The empowering strategies which are suggested are very interesting. For instance, becoming contrary when a DNP is trying to manipulate us- without explaining or announcing what we are doing, simply doing the opposite of or something entirely different from whatever is wanted or ordered. Other examples include becoming indifferent, avoiding interactions, setting guidelines your parent must follow in order to obtain your cooperation, practicing a blank facial expression and no response when being criticized, acting bored and "drifting" to another subject, asking a series of questions that will point out the absurdity of what they are saying, and declaring independence. It is important not to let them get a rise out of you or appear hurt, angry or defensive.
This book is especially valuable for those with self-centered parents who exploit them, and have probably done so since childhood. Many of us will recognize the narcissist in our own parents.
Copyright 2002-2014.-All articles on this site are copyrighted. Permission to copy is granted for non-profit use only.Please help yourself to anything we write if you can use it to help others. A link back to this site is our only requirement. Please contact us for any commercial or other use. All e-mails, letters, and other correspondence become the property of Luke 17:3 Ministries, Inc. Due to the large volume of e-mails, we're sorry that we are unable to personally answer every one, but we do lift everyone who writes to us in prayer to the Lord.
The Lord specifically called Sister Renee to minister to Adult Children, not their parents, estranged siblings or friends, abusive or abused spouses, or victims of other types of abuse, although what we write here can often be meaningful for those folks as well. Because of this, our ministry and website have a narrow focus which we will not be changing. We simply can't cover everything. In addition, it is not our purpose to help you re-establish contact with someone who felt it was necessary to cut you off for the sake of their own well-being. We do not keep a list of resources for estranged parents or any other type of abuse and suggest if you are sincerely interested in making amends with an estranged relative, you do an internet search for a website or group that will be more relevant to you. If you cannot find a group or site that you can relate to, we suggest you start your own, and bless other people in your position as well as find support for your personal issues.
For Adult Children and others as well, please understand that we cannot give you personal advice concerning your particular family relationships. We are not therapists or lawyers, we usually do not have enough information to form an opinion, and time does not permit us to give enough thought to each person's individual situation to do it justice. If you need personal advice, we urge you to contact the appropriate professional, depending on the problem you have- your minister, therapist, attorney, police department, local domestic violence hotline, etc. In reading this site, you acknowledge that nothing you might read here qualifies as or substitutes for professional advice. Please note we cannot recommend or refer you to a counselor and we do not have a list of therapists or recovery groups in your area. The only Counselor we recommend is the Holy Ghost, and we encourage you to read the Bible and learn for yourself what the Lord says about the issues we write about.
Our articles are strictly our personal opinions and testimonies and are not intended to give or offer any advice. All who access this site do so with the understanding that we are NOT professional counselors and we strongly recommend that you discuss your individual situation with your pastor or therapist and pray for the Lord's guidance before acting on anything we write on this site. Unfortunately, the abuse we discuss is all too common, inflicted on countless victims by countless perpetrators. All names and identifying details in our articles have been changed to protect the innocent as well as the guilty. Any resemblance to a real person or persons whom you might know is strictly coincidental.