AUGUST 2006 Newsletter
LUKE
17:3 Ministries
for
adult daughters
of
controlling or abusive birth-families
A
sisterhood for those who seek support in developing self-esteem, setting
boundaries and limits, forgiveness, Godly confrontation, recognizing and cutting
ties with reprobates, healing, and rejoicing in the peace and love
of
the Lord, our
Father
take
heed to yourselves. If thy brother
trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him……..Luke
17:3
VOLUME
4, ISSUE 3
AUGUST
2006
Luke 17: 3 is the scripture often
misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible
says “Forgive and Forget”, or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when he
tells us to rebuke the sinner, and if he repents, to forgive
him. Have you rebuked your abuser,
and has he or she repented?
THE
ONLY FORM OF ABUSE STILL CONDONED BY SOCIETY. THE ONLY ABUSE IN WHICH THE VICTIM IS
CRITICIZED OR ABANDONED FOR TRYING TO PROTECT HERSELF. CHILD ABUSE THAT DIDN’T END WHEN ADULTHOOD
BEGAN…THE CONTINUING ABUSE OF GROWN CHILDREN BY THEIR
PARENTS.
If
you have ever experienced Adult Child
Abuse by a parent, sibling, or other relative, We Welcome
You!
Our
newsletter is sent to you free-of-charge, as the Lord continually provides. Do
you know someone who would like to be on our mailing list?
If
so, please contact:
Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Luke
17:3 Ministries, Inc.
P.O.
Box
684
Chestertown,
NY 12817
or
E-mail us at:
Luke
173@hotmail.com
VISIT
OUR NEW WEBSITE AT:
www.luke173ministries.org
Please ask about our Luke 17:3 Ministry
in Tennessee, founded by Rev. Denise
Rossignol.
Thank
you Jesus!
WHEN IS
IT EVER GOING TO BE MY TURN?
The
Exploitation Habit- If You Start It, They Will Come!
Part
3
By Rev.
Renee Pittelli
Fairness and Sharing the
Burdens -A Better Habit To Start
Once you realize a habit has gotten started, can you do anything about
it? Absolutely, and quickly, before
it gets even more firmly entrenched.
At any point along the many years of each testimony we have discussed,
each victim could have taken steps to change the course of events and restore a
give-and-take equality to the relationship, if only she had taken a step back
and realized what was happening.
The key is to keep your antennae up for that subtle shift in the
relationship, when your relatives are starting to take you for granted- when
they are not giving back to you as much as you are giving to them. It is most accurately referred to as a
“power shift”. That is the time to
nip it in the bud by taking preventative actions. Let’s look back at the testimonies we’ve
discussed and think about what each victim could have done differently to affect
the eventual outcome of her family issues.
Same
Testimonies, Better Endings
SISTER
LAURIE
In our first testimony, Laurie willingly took on far too much
responsibility when it really wasn’t necessary. When Patty lived in
(CONTINUED ON PAGE
2……..)
Jesus said to them, “Only in
his own home, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without
honor.” He could not do any
miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of
faith….Mark 6:4-6
And if any place will not welcome
you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a
testimony against them….Mark 6:11
Therefore, since through
God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and
shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the
truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of
God. And even if our gospel is
veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. The god of this age has blinded the
minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel of the
glory of Christ, who is the image of God…..2 Corinthians 4:
1-4
Maryland, Laurie was not so far
away that she couldn’t have packed up her family and gone to Patty’s house for
half the holidays instead of volunteering to host them all herself. As soon as she had hosted three or four
holidays in a row, Laurie could have informed both her sister and her mother
that she needed a rest and they would have to take over the next time. Laurie did not communicate to Patty or
their mother what SHE expected of THEM.
For the family parties,
Laurie should have made it clear to Patty that her presence was expected, as
well as her financial contribution for their parents’ parties, but for years,
Laurie led Patty slide. There were
things Patty could have helped with from a distance, like sending out all the
invitations for her parent’s parties.
If Laurie was hosting a holiday or get-together, Patty could have arrived
a day or two early and helped out. Over time, Patty came to believe that she
didn’t have any obligation to her birth-family at all, and a major reason for
this was that no one had ever voiced any disapproval of her disappearing act,
nor made it clear to her that, even though she had moved, she still had family
responsibilities, and that she was still expected to do her
share.
Laurie also needed to make other plans once in a while, instead of being
available to be used every single
holiday. A winter vacation with her
husband and children every couple of years instead of spending every holiday
with her parents would have given everyone the opportunity to get used to the
idea that Laurie also had a life of her own, just like Patty. Laurie would have also made the point
that she had the RIGHT to another life, just like Patty did. When her parents objected, she could
have reminded them firmly that she wasn’t an only child and they did have
another daughter and suggested that they make plans with Patty. Family obligations did not have to be
split 50/50 with Patty, but 100% Laurie and 0% Patty was a recipe for
disaster.
Laurie did finally do the right thing for herself and her husband by
pursuing her dream and for that she should be applauded. But her retirement move would have gone
far more smoothly if her birth-family didn’t feel so entitled to exploit her
because of her endless patience and willingness to be
victimized.
SISTER
JANICE
Janice is another woman who willingly took on 100% of the family
responsibility and let her brother get away with 0% for many years. It is natural that a mother’s care falls
to her daughter. Both mother and
daughter usually prefer it this way, and often enjoy their excursions and time
together. But what if mom had no
daughter- only sons? Who would take
her to the doctor then? Perhaps the
mother is much more comfortable having her daughter take her to the doctor to
discuss “women’s problems”, or maybe she really feels strange about going
clothes shopping with a man. This
is understandable, but it is not understandable that her son cannot take mom to
the dentist or food shopping either, if his sister is doing the rest. Especially if one sibling is retired, it
is not fair for the one who has to work to also cover all the family
obligations, while the retired sib plays golf.
The best way for Janice to have handled this, right in the beginning, was
to choose a few chores she was willing and able to do for mom, given her work
commitments, and inform mom of what they were. If mom required anything else, Janice
then needed to have MOM call Roy and ask him, just like mom
had always managed to ask Janice.
It would have been much more difficult for
Roy to turn down his mother
than it was for him to turn down his sister. And it could be said that mom should
rightfully take some responsibility for raising
Roy to be such an
inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, immature oaf who doesn’t even care about his
own sister’s health, but we won’t go there! But seriously, especially after Roy was retired and had plenty of free
time which she did not, Janice needed to subtlely make sure that mom was getting
to her important doctor’s appointments, and then back off and leave the rest up
to mom and Roy.
SISTER
CAMILLE
Camille and Ben’s story is just tragic and sad, and compounded greatly by
their family’s hard hearts. Again,
perhaps they would have been appreciated more by not allowing Thanksgiving
dinner for 40 people at their house EVERY year to become a “family
tradition”. After the first few
years, it was time to make it known that it was now somebody else’s turn. If no one else stepped up, then Camille
and Ben could have started another, wonderfully rewarding “family tradition” of
serving dinner to the homeless at a soup kitchen every Thanksgiving, where they
surely would have been blessed and appreciated. When Camille gave birth to Emily just a
few weeks before this huge gathering, she could have very rightfully said it was
just too much for her to take on and left it to the rest of the family to decide
who was going to do what, while she recuperated from childbirth, took care of
her baby, and rested up from getting no sleep with a new infant in the
house. But she failed to take
advantage of this golden opportunity to introduce the idea of “doing their
share” to her relatives.
Camille fell into the “Superwoman Trap”. Her willingness to continue being used
by her relatives even though she had a wonderful and perfectly understandable
reason to beg off after Emily’s birth, just reinforced their willingness to
exploit her. The mindset is that if
she could do Thanksgiving after just having had a new baby, then why can’t she
do it after just losing her husband?
Camille’s family is really so inexcusably low that there is probably
nothing she and Ben could have ever done to turn them into kind, thoughtful,
caring people. However, they could
have avoided being taken advantage of for two decades by cultivating traditions
with others. If Camille and Ben had
not allowed themselves to be taken for granted by 40 ungrateful freeloaders
since they were first married, they might have started making different
Thanksgiving plans, with normal people like their wonderful and generous
neighbors, years earlier. A much
better “family tradition” to start would have been hosting their neighbors one
year, and going to their neighbor’s house the next, and forgetting about their
extended “family” altogether.
SISTER
SARAH
In Sarah and Beth’s case, Sarah could have declined to be Beth’s kids’
emergency contact, because she had young children that she did not want
unnecessarily exposed to illnesses.
Believe it or not, Beth would have found someone else. Maybe she could have worked out a
reciprocal agreement with the mother of one of her children’s classmates. The problem was that Beth did not want
to EVER be stuck stopping whatever she was doing and going to school to pick up
a sick kid, not even her own. She
wasn’t interested in sharing that responsibility with another mother.
If refusing seemed too harsh to Sarah at the time, another solution would
have been to compromise. She could
have agreed to pick up Beth’s kids on her days off only, but explained that she
could not be disturbed at work and that Beth could not give the school her work
number. On Sarah’s work days, Beth
would need to have an alternate contact.
Sarah could have agreed to pick up the kids no more often than once every
two months. She could then have
suggested to Beth that she make sure several different people were on her
emergency list, not just Sarah. If
she began getting called more frequently, unless there was a REAL emergency
which genuinely warranted her involvement, the best thing for Sarah to have done
was to let her answering machine take the call and not respond. After all, what was going to happen if
the nurse called and Sarah wasn’t home?
She would simply call the next person on the list- or horrors, call Beth
herself! If no one could be
reached, the nurse would take care of the child until she could contact a
parent- that’s what she’s there for.
And in a true emergency, she will call 911.
Beth needed to take some responsibility for her own children, to make
sure the school knew how to reach her or her husband, not someone else. But she didn’t need to take any
responsibility at all as long as she had her sister on call.
Another fair solution, which would have benefited both sisters, would
have been for Beth to babysit Sarah’s children once in a while to thank Sarah
for inconveniencing herself and risking her job and her kids’ health to pick up
Beth’s kids. Then Sarah could have
gotten some shopping done, or gone to a doctor’s appointment without having to
drag her kids along, but again, Beth was not looking to reciprocate, and Sarah
was not bold enough to ask for it.
So Beth got into the habit of Sarah being the giver, while she was the
taker, and when then tables were turned a few years down the road and Sarah
needed her, Beth balked at this change in roles.
SISTER
THERESA
In Theresa’s case, she needed to set limits early on the amount of free
time she could devote to Danielle.
Like all narcissists, Danielle did not understand that Theresa had
another life beyond her and her needs.
Theresa needed to refuse dinnertime calls, for instance. She needed to
inform Danielle that she had plans and would not be available to talk at certain
times. Screening calls with the answering machine and calling Danielle back when
convenient would have avoided Danielle getting into the habit of thinking that
Theresa was going to drop everything any and every time she wanted to
talk.
Another option for making it clear to Danielle that Theresa wasn’t just
there to be used by her, would have been if Theresa spent more time talking
about her life instead of just listening to Danielle. It probably would have been necessary to
interrupt one of Danielle’s monologues and state point-blank that she wanted to
talk about some things as well, or that she would like a turn to tell Danielle
how her day went. Danielle’s
response would have clued Theresa in much earlier as to whether they could
establish a truly give-and-take relationship, or if it was always going to have
to be all about Danielle.
Somewhere along the line, Danielle morphed into a drama-queen. Her issues went from being acute to
chronic. Problems which should have
been short-term and easily solveable, were dragging on forever.
Danielle had lost interest on actually solving any of her problems, in
fact, it was to her advantage to keep them going on and on because she was
loving the attention and sympathy she was getting from Theresa. She turned every small thing into an
ongoing situation, and when she had squeezed every last drop of mileage she
could out of a particular problem, she simply went on to the next one. Most of the things she got herself all
worked up over were normal issues that everyone copes with in their lives
without making such a big deal. The
“situations” she found herself involved in were ordinary and even boring, but
because of her exaggerated sense of entitlement, she persisted in blowing them
all up out of proportion and then expecting to use them to monopolize Theresa’s
time and attention.
Theresa’s problem, on the other hand, was failing to recognize the point
at which this began happening, and to start setting limits before Danielle got
completely out of hand. Like all
such victims, Theresa was left asking herself, “Where did I go wrong?” when she
had her life-crisis and Danielle couldn’t have cared less. She was stunned that Danielle had no
interest in supporting her, and shocked by Danielle’s anger at not getting all
the attention she was used to during the time when Theresa needed to deal with
her crisis. For years, the
inequality in their relationship had been progressing, but in this case, because
it happened slowly, Theresa did not recognize it. Finally it progressed to the point where
Danielle felt entitled to all of Theresa’s time and attention no matter what
else was going on in Theresa’s life, and Theresa realized then that she had
indeed created a monster.
SISTER
MARYANN
And lastly, we come to Maryann and Mike. Maryann’s fatal mistake was having mom
come to live with her in the first place.
There was absolutely NO need for this at the time. Mom was, and still is, healthy,
competent, vital, and still drives.
She used the death of her husband to guilt Maryann into letting her move
in because she “didn’t want to live alone.” To this day, there is absolutely no
reason why she cannot maintain her own household.
When mom did move in, no limits were set. Mom was not appreciative that she was a
guest. She decided it was her place to push Maryann aside and be the matriarch
in her daughter’s home. Mom has a
controlling and manipulative personality, which is the main reason she lacks a
social life with friends her own age, and Maryann and Mike allowed her to take
over their household. They had
expected mom to cook for herself and watch her own TV shows- that is why they
built her a kitchen and provided her with her own living room. But when she balked, they welcomed mom
to join them for meals and evening relaxation. They had assumed she would prefer
to stay independent and that they would have some privacy and family time with
their kids, but when it wasn’t working out that way, they did nothing to make it
happen.
Important issues like this need to be discussed and agreed upon BEFORE
you take a relative into your home.
Even after she moved in, Maryann and Mike could have insisted on some
privacy by simply telling mom she was welcome to eat with them or sit with them
for three or four evenings a week, and that she would need to make other plans
the rest of the time. Maryann
should not have thought twice about asking mom to excuse her when she wanted
some privacy on the phone or to have a conversation with Mike or one of her
children. Somewhere along the line,
Maryann lost sight of the fact that this was HER house. She just surrendered control of her
home, her family, and her life, to her domineering mother.
Mom did play the poor pitiful widow well, so it can be difficult to admit
she is domineering. Domineering
people don’t necessarily have abrasive, forceful, overbearing, or aggressive
personas. Many come across as
sweet, harmless, sympathetic figures in one respect or another, but if you
consider what they manage to convince you to do for them, you will realize that
they are indeed controlling and dominating you. This is called “manipulation” and most
takers are highly skilled and extremely clever at it.
Financial compensation was never discussed, another issue which should
have been settled BEFORE any moves
were made. Maryann and Mike fed
another person every night, did her laundry, and paid for all the utilities that
mom enjoyed. They took out a second mortgage and footed the entire bill for
adding mom’s apartment onto their house, and absorbed the resulting increase in
property taxes, heat, air-conditioning, and insurance without complaint as
well. All this while mom lived with
them, rent-free, after selling her home for a nice piece of change. Where else could she have lived
without paying rent, mortgage, utilities, and taxes? Mom had a generous
retirement income and dad’s former employer paid for her private health
insurance. Yet Maryann was
reluctant to ask her mother for money, and so she didn’t. And mom didn’t offer. Mom was not oriented to thinking that
way, because she is a TAKER. “Need”
is not the issue-other people are EXPECTED to do for her.
So yes, Maryann and Mike should have insisted that mom chip in for the
groceries and pay rent- if not the going rate, then at least a fair sum. And the proceeds from the sale of her
house should have been used to finance the construction of mom’s apartment,
rather than Maryann and Mike burdening themselves financially by taking on
another mortgage. Mom did not even
do any chores to help out. There
was no reason why she couldn’t have done the laundry, for instance, or some of
the cleaning.
As long as Maryann’s mother was living with her, she should have expected
her sister and brother to pitch in somehow, if not significantly, with the
family obligations. Since she had
taken in their mother, then perhaps all the holidays could have been at her
brother’s house, and sis could have taken mom on a two-week vacation every
year. Or she could have informed
her family that she would be expecting mom to spend one weekend a month each,
with both her son and her other daughter.
This would have given Maryann and her family two weekends a month to
themselves, and made the point to mom and the other siblings that Maryann was
not an only child, and that she wasn’t going to do everything while the others
did nothing. Letting her sister and
brother think that they were going to have a free ride while she did everything
for their mother, without them contributing anything at all, set the stage for
their refusal to pitch in when she wanted to take her cruise. By then, they didn’t think she had the
RIGHT to expect them to do anything.
Another mistake was for Maryann to take it upon herself to contact her
siblings and ask them to “take care of” their perfectly fine, able-bodied mother
while she was away. Maryann was in
denial about their selfishness. The
stark reality was that they had never done a single thing in all those years to
relieve Maryann or help out mom.
Why would she think they’d help out
now?
Further, there was absolutely no good reason why mom couldn’t have
managed just fine on her own for the ten days. Why even put the thought in mom’s
head that she couldn’t? If she had any problems, Maryann’s brother and sister
were nearby. If mom thought she needed to be “taken care of”, it was her place
to call her other children. Maryann
should never have put herself in the middle- she was just borrowing
trouble. It would have been far
better to just inform mom she was going, tell mom to call her other kids if she
needed anything, and say “see you in ten days”, rather than putting herself in
the position of having to defend her decision to take a well-deserved vacation
and wind up arguing with her entire family.
Undoing The Damage Once a
Habit Takes Root
OPEN
YOUR EYES
Chances are someone you love is a taker, because almost all families are
comprised of mostly takers, and one or two unfortunate givers. So if you are a giver, the probability
that just about everyone you love is a taker is very high. Perhaps hardest of all, is to take off
the rose-colored glasses, and see those we love as they really are. This is especially difficult when a
relationship that was once two-sided gradually shifts to being one-sided over
time, because often we don’t realize it is happening. We would all prefer not to believe that
those we love are selfish users, but wishing doesn’t make it so.
Although it is painful to admit that a parent or sibling is exploiting
us, burying our heads in the sand and choosing to ignore reality is not going to
give us that big, happy family we all wish for and deserve. What is going to happen is that we are
going to be worn out, used, and abused for years, until one day, for some
reason, we need to break the usual pattern. Then our family’s true colors will come
out, they will become nasty, demanding, and angry, things will get ugly, and the
big family blow-up we were hoping to avoid all along will happen anyway. The only difference will be that, if we
had not volunteered to be the family patsy years earlier, things might have
still gotten ugly when we set our limits back then, but at least we would have
spared ourselves years of unappreciated slavery.
While we certainly don’t want to keep score of every favor and expect
tit-for-tat payback, never underestimate the value of setting a “one hand washes
the other” precedent early on. You
should not expect your relative to “re-pay” you each and every time you do
something for him. But every fourth
or fifth time, you should expect someone else to take a turn, just so it’s not
ALWAYS you! Relatives need to be
reminded of their family obligations, and that they are expected to share the
responsibilities and burdens as well as the fun. Before our families get into the
complacency habit, and learn to just sit back and be waited on, we need to make
it very clear that we expect everyone to pitch in and share because we have no
intention of doing it all!
TRY A
LITTLE EXPERIMENT
If Christmas is ALWAYS at your house, for instance, try an experiment
this year. Don’t invite
anybody. Don’t mention it. Just don’t bring it up. See how long it
takes your family to bring it up.
And note what they say when they do bring it up. Do they just assume you’re going to host
it, as always? (“What time should we be there on Christmas?”) Do they think that maybe you just
haven’t gotten around to calling them? (“Haven’t heard from you yet about
Christmas, so I figured I’d give you a call. What’s on the menu?”) Or does it even
enter their heads that perhaps YOU are the one waiting for an invitation this
time? (“You know, you’ve had us all for Christmas for the last five years, how
about coming to OUR house this year?”)
If they call but do not invite you, be bold! Tell them firmly that you’re tired of
always hosting the holidays, you figure it’s their turn this year, and ask what
time they want YOU to be there!
STOP
VOLUNTEERING TO BE EXPLOITED
The hardest thing for a giver to learn is to STOP VOLUNTEERING for
everything. Your reputation for
being the good-natured, reliable patsy that the family can always count on is
killing you! Give up your need for
everyone’s approval! You shouldn’t
have to earn your family’s love!
Just DON’T DO IT. Sit back.
Hesitate. Buy time. When you are
about to take on yet another chore, bite your tongue! Give someone else a chance.
If someone imposes on you, don’t allow guilt to rule you. Learn to say no. You don’t have to agree to everything-
you are allowed to turn down other people’s requests. Think first. Come up with other solutions. Suggest ways in which everyone can do
their share, and if they refuse, then DON’T STEP IN and do it all. It is not your job to fix
everything! It is not your job to
solve everyone else’s problems! Let
the chips fall where they may, but don’t YOU do it. (“ Yes, mom, I know there’s no pumpkin pie
tonight- Kelly didn’t bring it, so you’ll have to discuss it with her.”)
If someone dies, stay calm and think before you invite his perfectly
healthy, independent spouse to give up her home and move in with you. Do not make any decisions for at least a
year after a major loss. If dad
passes away, by all means, YOU move in with mom for a couple of weeks until she
gets her bearings. Help her with
paperwork and donating dad’s clothes to the thrift shop. When you’re ready to go home, set
up a schedule of frequent visits and calls. Ask her friends, neighbors, and other
relatives to look in on her. Invite
her to visit you FOR A FEW DAYS in a month or two. Make sure your siblings know that they
are expected to do the same. But
whatever you do, do not, while the family is in a highly emotional state, sell
mom’s house and move her in with you.
The biggest favor you can do for mom is to encourage her to stay
independent, have a social life in her own town, and make friends her own
age. Down the road, if mom’s health or mental abilities
begin to decline, you can always rethink this. The key is not to take on any major
family responsibilities BEFORE it is actually necessary, or if there are ANY
other viable solutions.
DISCERN
THE SITUATION
Analyze and anticipate when a favor or responsibility you may agree to do
has the potential for becoming your JOB.
Then decide if you are still willing to take it on, knowing you’ll be
expected to continue doing it forever.
Just because you don’t mind doing something once in a while, doesn’t mean
you’re going to appreciate it becoming your permanent
assignment.
Be alert for subtle shifts in your relationships, from two-sidedness to
one-sidedness, and take appropriate steps to restore the balance between you and
your loved one before things get ugly.
Be willing to support a loved one going through an ACUTE AND SERIOUS
CRISIS. However, barring serious
illnesses, set limits on your availability for ongoing, chronic problems that
never seem to be getting any better.
See clearly when a relative is always making mountains out of
molehills. Realize when someone has
become a drama-queen and refuse to let her take over your life and drain you or
overwhelm you with her “problems”.
When was the last time you had a two-hour conversation with this person
that was all about YOUR problems?
Periodically assess your relationships for reciprocity. When we love someone, we jump to help
out whenever there’s a hint of need.
If this is our concept of showing family love, then it follows that if
THEY love US, they’ll be jumping to help us out whenever we have a need, as
well! If they don’t care about our
needs, then we need to admit we are in the middle of a one-sided relationship,
and start changing things.
BE LIKE
THE LITTLE CHILDREN
For another lesson in group dynamics, take a trip down memory lane back
to childhood, or think of the last time you observed children playing
together. Periodically, the din of
activity, laughter, and giggles will be punctuated with a child loudly
proclaiming, “IT’S MY TURN, NOW!”
And shortly thereafter, the others let that child have her turn. There are no hard feelings. Everyone gets to take a turn, and anyone
who doesn’t think they are being treated fairly will protest. After a child gets her turn, she will
then allow another child to have a turn.
Selfish children who refuse to share are avoided and wind up with no one
to play with. Left to themselves,
children make and enforce their own rules about taking turns and sharing. There may be a spat or two, but in
the long run, groups of kids play together peacefully, treat each other fairly,
enjoy each other’s company, and remain friends, even though each one insists on
getting her turn. Understanding
that they must take turns is natural to those who wish to remain a part of the
group.
Years ago, we were one of those children on the playground. We had no
problem insisting on our turn, and protesting if we didn’t get it. We never thought of ourselves as
“selfish” for demanding our turn, we simply thought that’s what was fair. We insisted on being treated fairly- and
it worked! When did we lose that
ability to stand up for ourselves?
When did we stop believing we have the right to be treated fairly in our
relationships? Somewhere along the
road to adulthood, did we decide it was a sign of “maturity” to let others walk
all over us without ever putting a stop to it, or even
protesting?
When someone we love is a taker, or has become one, we need to admit it
to ourselves, recognize it for what it is, and take steps to remedy the
situation, and bring some equality back into the relationship before it
deteriorates to the extreme of the testimonies we have discussed. We need to pay attention to what is
going on in our relationships. We
need to stop allowing ourselves to be taken for granted before we “create a
monster”. It is not selfish to
expect others to give back to us in return once in a while. It is the only way to prevent a very
unhealthy pattern from developing.
Let’s not let the takers become so firmly entrenched in taking that they
no longer give. Exploitation is a
habit that never has to get started in the first place. And if it already has, then it’s not too
late to kick the habit.
Dear Sister, you are not a slave.
You are under the dominion of no man, or woman. The only one we serve is the Lord! Step up and take your rightful place as
a daughter of the King! Glory to
God!
No servant can serve two
masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will
hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon…..Luke
16:13KJV
Don’t you realize that whatever you choose to obey becomes your
master?...Romans 6:16NLT
Peter and the apostles replied, “We must obey God rather than human
authority”…Acts 5:29
But you are not to be called “Rabbi”, for you have only one Master and
you are all brothers. And do not call anyone on earth “father”, for you have one
Father and he is in heaven…Matthew 23:8-9NIV
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in
the training and instruction of the Lord….Ephesians
6:4NIV
Father, do not embitter your children, or they will become
discouraged…Colossians 3:21NIV
For he who was a slave when he was called by the Lord is the Lord’s
freedman; similarly, he who was a free man when he was called is Christ’s
slave….1 Corinthians 7:22NIV
Then saith Jesus unto him, Get thee hence, Satan: for it is written,
Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve….Matthew
4:10KJV
Blessed Holy Spirit, thank you for
your word and for your grace to complete this series. Use it according to your will- thy will
be done, Abba Father. I praise you,
Lord. I worship you, King Jesus.
May I decrease so that you may increase. All honor and glory is yours,
Lord.
Amen.
For more help and ideas,
please read the sections on our website on Setting and Enforcing Limits and
Boundaries, Happier Holidays, Claiming the Victory, and the book reviews in
Reading Spotlight.
Acquitting the guilty and
condemning the innocent- the Lord detests them both….Proverbs
17:15
ENFORCING CONSEQUENCES IS NOT
REVENGE
By Rev. Renee
Once again, I am amazed at the
creativity of abusers who are trying to weasel out of being accountable for
their actions. Here is another
excellent question we received in an e-mail from a sister who is dealing with
abusive parents, and the answer which clarifies this
point:
Question: “Whenever I
attempt to enforce consequences on my father for his abuse, he tells me that I
am being spiteful and vengeful. I
have told him that I will not be around him when he is drinking because he is
really mean and nasty, also crude and vulgar. Then when he gets drunk and abusive and
I start to leave, he tells me that I am acting out of revenge. He says that God says that vengeance is
the Lord’s and I am sinning by taking vengeance myself. I end up confused and very frustrated
and not knowing how to respond. He
does not respect my boundaries and I feel helpless to defend myself……Sister
Vicky”
Answer: “God
does indeed tell us that he reserves vengeance for himself and we are not to
take revenge for a wrong. But there
is a big difference between taking revenge and taking a stand against wickedness
or unacceptable behavior, which God does tell us to do. There is also a difference between being
vengeful and protecting ourselves or our loved ones from further harm, which we
are also taught to do.
Let me illustrate with an example.
Let’s say your brother stole money from you. If you went to his house and threw a
brick through his picture window, or set his car on fire, that would be taking
revenge. God does not want you to
do that, and he promises that he will take care of avenging you in his own
time. God’s revenge is a perfect
and terrible thing, and we can’t do better than
that.
However, if you called the police, brought charges against your brother,
and had him arrested, that is NOT revenge.
That is a perfectly appropriate consequence. That is taking a stand
against your brother’s evil behavior.
That is righting a wrong, seeking justice, and protecting society from a
criminal. Forcing your brother to
live through the natural consequences of his own behavior is not taking
revenge. Going to jail is something
HE BROUGHT ON HIMSELF. You didn’t
“do it to him”.
Furthermore, let’s say that now that you know your brother is a thief,
you decide to avoid him, or even to end your relationship. That is NOT revenge. That is being prudent. He can’t be trusted, you have to protect
yourself- and you have every right to protect yourself. It’s that simple. God instructs us to take steps to
protect ourselves from harmful people.
If your brother repents and makes restitution, you may feel that he has
learned his lesson and continue to associate with him on a trial basis. This will give him a chance to prove
himself. The key is to do this over
time, and not to give him access to your money or possessions again until he has
built back your trust.
In your case, you have rebuked your father and informed him of your
conditions for being in his presence. Your conditions are reasonable,
appropriate, and absolutely necessary.
He chooses to disrespect your limits and continue to abuse you. In the Bible, when someone refuses to
listen to our rebuke and change his ways, we are told to have nothing further to
do with him (Titus 3:10, Matthew 10:14, Matthew 18:15- 17,etc.) So your father should be grateful that
you keep giving him another chance instead of avoiding him permanently, because
you are cutting him far more slack than you are required to.
Now let’s take this one step further. Let’s say you know your father has a
habit of driving drunk. Would it be
“revenge” to call the police and ask them to keep an eye on him and arrest him
if they catch him driving while impaired?
Again, NO, although your father will surely disagree (but then his
judgment is impaired by alcohol, anyway).
If your father’s behavior and choices present a danger to innocent
people, then you have a responsibility to do what you can to stop him. You can’t control his decisions, as you
already see, but you can help him learn from the consequences of his behavior,
and in the process, protect yourself and others from him. That is not taking revenge on your
father. That is doing whatever is
necessary to keep him from harming, or killing, someone else. If you have already rebuked him about
his behavior and he refuses to listen, you are free to avoid him. But if he presents a danger to others,
you do have some moral responsibility to take whatever steps you can to keep
innocent people and their families safe.
When rebuking an ungodly person, trying to teach him how his behavior not
only affects others, but separates him from God, will have no effect. If someone does not have a relationship
with the Lord, then the threat of damaging that relationship will have no
meaning for them. The Lord uses us
to rebuke each other. Fellow
believers who care about their relationship with the Lord will learn from your
rebuke, but the unrighteous will not.
That is a big part of the reason that the Lord tells us to shun, avoid,
and have nothing further to do with those who are unrepentant and will not
listen to rebuke. For such people,
social censure and the open disapproval of others is the only thing that might
have an effect. Unfortunately,
there are others (see our articles on Reprobates) for whom even this will not
work. Then there are folks who
don’t really care about how the damage they inflict affects others, but when
they see their behavior is going to impact THEM and have social or relational
consequences for THEM, will make an effort. Even a grudging change is better than no
change at all.
After we have rebuked and walked away, we are leaving these people in the
Lord’s hands. Only he can work a
change in their hearts, if they choose to listen to him. If they choose to listen to the devil,
then God will also walk away from them. He will turn them over to suffer the
consequences of their reprobate minds.
(Romans 1: 28-32)
Sometimes doing the right thing may seem like revenge to the
unrighteous. But it is still the
right thing to do. Since they are
unGodly, we can’t expect them to understand this. Hopefully enforcing consequences will
motivate a change in heart. If not,
we can at least influence and limit
the damage a harmful person can do to ourselves or others. Consequences are a teaching tool to help
offenders learn appropriate boundaries.
You presented your father with a CHOICE. You gave him fair warning of your
boundaries and what the consequences would be for disrespecting them. Now you need to stand firm and back up
your words with action. If being in
your presence really matters so much to him, then he can CHOOSE NOT TO DRINK
around you. It’s that simple. He doesn’t have to like it, but that’s
the way it is. Refusing to tolerate
bad behavior or to stick around and be abused is not revenge, so don’t let him
lay a guilt-trip on you. If he
accuses you of being vengeful, don’t allow him to drag you into an argument-
because then you’ll wind up staying longer and he wins! Just say, “I’m sorry you see it that
way, but I’m still leaving” as you walk out the
door!
THE SOCIOPATH NEXT DOOR
By Martha Stout, Ph.D.
Sisters, if you’re looking for some intriguing late summer reading, drop
everything else and read this book!
It explains, from a psychological and scientific point-of-view, just what
is wrong with truly malevolent, devious, cunning abusers. This book will answer all your questions
about how anyone could be so cruel or treat those who love them so
wickedly. It is a disturbing and
creepy look at the cold-blooded, ruthless among us. Until now, they were free to “get away
with murder” by staying under our radar, but The Sociopath Next Door “outs”
them.
Did you know that “1 in 25 ordinary Americans secretly has no conscience
and can do anything at all without feeling guilty”? In our ministry, we teach that such people are referred
to in the Bible as being of a “reprobate mind.” Reprobates are cannot be redeemed- they
are “foreordained to damnation” by their consistency in choosing Satan’s way
over God’s throughout their lives.
The Lord gives them many opportunities to turn to him and repent, but
they choose evil every time.
Eventually they are no longer capable of doing good, and Satan has
complete control over them. God
then “turns them over to their reprobate mind” to suffer the consequences of
their evil in this life and the next, and to be used to teach the rest of
us. Many Scriptures tell us to
avoid, outcast, shun, or not associate with, such
people.
Reading such an in-depth, modern day analysis, in contemporary language,
of the Biblical “reprobate” is fascinating indeed. From the first paragraph, I was
riveted. The Sociopath Next Door
begins, “Imagine-if you can- not having a conscience, none at all, no feelings
of guilt or remorse no matter what you do, no limiting sense of concern for the
well-being of strangers, friends, or even family members. Imagine no struggles with shame, not a
single one in your whole life, no matter what kind of selfish, lazy, harmful, or
immoral action you had taken. And
pretend that the concept of responsibility is unknown to you, except as a burden
others seem to accept without question, like gullible fools. Now add to this strange fantasy the
ability to conceal from other people that your psychological makeup is radically
different from theirs. Since
everyone simply assumes that conscience is universal among human beings, hiding
the fact that you are conscience-free is nearly effortless. You are not held back from any of your
desires by guilt or shame, and you are never confronted by others for your
cold-bloodedness. The ice water in
your veins is so bizarre, so completely outside of their personal experience,
that they seldom even guess at your condition.”
After this opening, I could hardly put the book down until I had finished
it. The number of people I
recognized in my own family, and that I had heard of throughout our ministry,
who fit this profile, was astonishing to me.
The Sociopath Next Door is a book about most aspects of conscience- its
origins, biological, anthropological, societal, religious, etc. A number of amazing studies are
explained which demonstrate various aspects of conscience or the lack
thereof. Also discussed are
fascinating studies on why normal people don’t question or confront those who
are doing evil, especially when the evil ones are perceived to be authority
figures.
Many “enablers” tend to make excuses for abusers, and a favorite excuse
is that the abuser himself had an abusive childhood. But “there is no convincing body of
findings linking the core characteristic of sociopathy- that is, the absence of
conscience- with childhood maltreatment.
Furthermore, sociopaths as a group are not afflicted with the other
tragic consequences of childhood abuse, such as depression and anxiety.” One surprising study found some evidence
that sociopaths are actually influenced LESS by their early experience that are
non-sociopaths. I do urge you not
to be discouraged from reading this book because it discusses scientific
studies- it is still very readable and easy to
understand.
Sociopaths (formerly referred to as “psychopaths” by the medical
community) do not feel emotions,
especially positive emotions, and most especially, love. They have different goals in life- some
may want wealth and power and stab others in the back to get to the top, some
may want only to dominate and terrorize their own family, some may want to live
off others and never have to work.
Their life is a game of manipulation of others to reach their goal,
whatever it may be. Their
interactions with others consist of battles of will, mind-games, and other ploys
for domination and control of others.
Many times they will “bite their own nose to spite their face” in their
quest to win the “game” of making others “jump”, just for their amusement. They blend in well, and could be anyone
from a political or church leader, to a sweet-looking young mother, to an
elderly neighbor. Sociopaths can
never be “cured”, and don’t want to be cured.
We are given suggestions for recognizing sociopaths. They are often
hypochondriacs, and use their “ailments” to get out of doing work, helping a
friend out, taking on a responsibility,
etc. They often have an
aversion to sustained effort and hard work and prefer to get others to take care
of them. A reliable clue to a
sociopath is some variation of the “Pity” ploy. This is because they know that “good
people will let pathetic individuals get by with murder, so to speak, and
therefore any sociopath wishing to continue with his game, should play
repeatedly for none other than pity.
More than admiration- more even than fear- pity from good people is carte
blanche.”
Very useful is the author’s “Thirteen Rules For Dealing With Sociopaths
In Everyday Life”, which include “suspect flattery”, “question authority”,
“redefine your concept of respect”, “do not join the game”, “question your
tendency to pity too easily”,
“never agree to help a sociopath conceal his true character”, and “the
rule of threes (basically three strikes and you’re out)”.
One of my favorites, which the Bible also teaches in numerous scriptures,
is “The best way to protect
yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or
communication.” The author explains
that, “Psychologists do not usually like to recommend avoidance, but in this
case, I make a very deliberate exception.
The only truly effective method for dealing with a sociopath you have
identified is to disallow him from your life altogether. Sociopaths live completely outside the
social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social
arrangements is perilous…..You will not hurt anyone’s feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may
try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings to hurt. You may never be able to make your
family and friends understand why you are avoiding a particular
individual….Avoid him anyway.”
The author’s observations on what ends up becoming of these people are
consistent with my own experiences. Such remorseless, ruthless, and demonic
beings may do well for a while, or even for many years, but they eventually
begin a downward spiral. In the
end, they tend to self-destruct and their lives become dreary, lonely, and
boring. Many of their schemes will
be uncovered, they may lose jobs, go to prison, and have no one who will have
anything to do with them. The
author tells us that “One might even say that, for the extraordinarily patient
observer, one technique to determine whether or not a questionable person is a
genuine sociopath is to wait until the end of her life and witness whether or
not she has ruined herself, partially or maybe even completely. Does she really possess what you would
love to have in your life, or, instead, is she isolated, burned-out, and
bored? Is it perhaps stunning the
way the mighty have fallen?”
